Offbeat

The Rock’s Ultimate Pro Wrestling Administration

With a member of the WWE Hall of Fame currently serving as President of the United States, the professional wrestling industry already has a foot in the door in Washington D.C. In my dreams regarding the world of pro wrestling, this would prompt a number professional wrestling personalities to claim spots on Capital Hill. If that were to somehow happen in 2020 (the next Presidential Election cycle), this is the administration that I’d want to takeover:

President: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

The “People’s Champion” gets the hot tag to clean house as President of the United States. The Rock has it all to become President these days: assertive, charismatic, and having no previous political experience. At his Inauguration, he’ll tell Kim Jong-un to shine his nuclear weapons real nice and shove them straight up his candy ass. Then he’ll proceed to claim that the millions (and millions) of Americans will smell what the Rock is cookin’ under his Presidency.

Vice President: Mick Foley

The Rock’N’Sock connection returns to save America from corruption and evil foreign countries. Foley has experience being appointed as second-in-command and I think it would definitely work better for him this time under The Rock than under Stephanie McMahon.

Secretary of State: Sami Zayn

The Syrian-Canadian who wrestled as a luchador from Mexico while touring in America should know enough about foreign policy and international issues to do a decent job. Zayn is a likable guy and wouldn’t make enemies with anyone unless someone strikes first.

Secretary of the Treasury: Shane McMahon

As Secretary of the Treasury, Shane can do what he loves the most: surround himself with money and dance to his theme song. Also, since he would be in control of the US Mint, maybe he can create a new paper “Shane O’Mac” bill similar to the ones that dropped from the ceiling of AT&T Stadium at WrestleMania 32.

Secretary of Defense: John Cena

Despite his only military experience coming from acting in a movie, John Cena is the perfect fit for Secretary of Defense. Enemies wouldn’t see him coming with his attacks and whenever you would think the military is done, they would kick out at two and a half and come back with even more fire power.

Attorney General: David Otunga

The Chief Legal Advisor for John Laurinaitus holds a law degree from Harvard and has served in notable cases such as WWE Superstars vs Triple H and Del Rio vs Sheamus.

Secretary of Homeland Security: John “Bradshaw” Layfield

JBL already has prior experience with being included in a Cabinet. He also has hands-on experience with keeping borders safe and ensuring that Americans can feel safe within the country. JBL is also well known for bullying foreign co-workers out of the country.

Secretary of Agriculture: Big Bartholomew

This farmer from Southpaw Regional Wrestling may have lost his farm to Mr. Mackelroy but Big Bart can still help many other farmers by providing his expertise surrounding the agriculture industry.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Simon Dean

Over one-third of kids aged 10-17 in the United States are considered obese. This can all change if America was committed to Simon Deans’ patented Simon System. By installing the Simon System in all public schools, the childhood obesity rate would decrease drastically. Move over Michelle Obama, Simon Dean is taking over as the top government figure against childhood obesity.

Secretary of Education: Damien Sandow

An ‘Intellectual Savior of the Masses’ is needed to boost America’s education system to the top of the world. Also, the ACT/SAT college placement tests would be replaced by a quiz with questions personally chosen by Sandow, similar to the days where he would quiz members of the audience on SmackDown.

White House Press Secretary: Paul Heyman

If you thought Sean Spicer’s briefings were heated, just wait until Paul Heyman takes the job. Heyman cutting promos on journalists for spreading fake news and asking dumb questions is must see and C-Span would suddenly become a must watch channel.

Although this is not a full administration because of the exclusion of a few secretary positions, this administration would be fun to see play out. I can only imagine if the House and Senate were full of pro wrestlers too. I bet CM Punk would filibuster for hours on end so that a bill about legalizing some sort of drug doesn’t pass.

Despite the fact that pro wrestlers landing positions in federal government is highly unlikely, it is always fun to think about the fun possibilities and how entertaining coverage of politics would be. It was already entertaining enough seeing Linda McMahon getting approved for Donald Trump’s cabinet but who knows how entertaining the confirmation hearings would be for these wacky characters.

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